Internalized misogyny and the experience of unlearning it

A few years ago, I was getting ready to go out with friends. I got dressed, put on some mascara, turned to the guy I was dating at the time, and said “Ok, I’m ready.” 

He looked at me.“That’s all you have to do? Low maintenance,”he said, and nodded approvingly. I laughed and went to put my shoes on, but inside I was glowing. Low maintenance? The best compliment I could receive. No way was I like those other girls, who spent significant time painting make-up onto their faces and shopping for the perfect look. I didn’t care how I looked in class, didn’t spend money on manicures or new clothes, and thought of myself as athletic rather than girly, flexible rather than dramatic. I was *not like other girls* - I was low maintenance and proud of it.

Now, looking back, I cringe. Hard. The number of times in high school and early college I thought this way was (is) embarrassing. In high school, I’d smirk to myself at the girls who wore a full face of make-up during a volleyball game. I cringed at senior photos I saw where the girl had ultra-feminine make-up or clothes on (and then I went and paid for the same amount of make-up to be done on myself, just in a slightly less obvious way). My freshman year of college, I avoided sitting next to girls who spent time talking about parties, clothes, crushes, or anything I considered to be even vaguely feminine. I didn’t want other classmates to lump me in with them and think of me as dumb or ditzy. I avoided wearing pink, wearing too much jewelry, and embracing anything I saw as stereotypically girly. I usually never verbalized these sentiments, but I still acted on them.  In my mind, any woman who dressed or acted femininely was thinking completely backwards - how could they choose to present themselves like that and not expect to be treated in a sexist way?

Eventually, as I met more people and had new experiences that widened my mindset, I realized that although some of these things may have been real preferences - I still don’t love paying for manicures and would much rather wear no makeup at all - a lot of them were also rooted in biases I didn’t even know I had.  I realized that I am fully allowed to have any and all preferences I want, but what I cannot do is judge other women for doing the exact same thing in their own way - that makes me no better than sexist people. It was a few months after having this realization that I learned there was an actual term for this: internalized misogyny. Internalized misogyny occurs when women subconsciously project sexist ideas and beliefs onto other women and even themselves. This can include things like questioning if you’re being too aggressive or rude when you’re actually just being assertive, judging other women or yourself for your dating habits, and putting yourself or others down based on patriarchal standards (for example, judging yourself or others for not shaving their legs or following widely-accepted beauty standards). Even if we consider ourselves to be open-minded and independent-thinking, this phenomenon is a byproduct of living in a patriarchal, sexist society and often occurs without us even realizing it. 

So how do we fix it? The first step is to simply just be aware of what internalized misogyny is so that you can catch your own thinking patterns and reframe them to be less biased. Being mindful and intentional about what you think, verbalize, and act on can help you develop this habit. Whenever you notice yourself judging, take a step back and reevaluate - where is this judgement coming from, and why does that particular action or event make you uncomfortable? You can also start limiting your consumption of misogynistic and biased information by filtering media (even dumb tweets!) with a critical eye. Finally, to keep yourself accountable and exposed to new perspectives, don’t be afraid to talk about your experience with internalized misogyny with others - we can’t fix it if we don’t know what it is or how it manifests itself. Sharing perspectives and new ideas is the best way to unlearn patterns of thinking, no matter the subject.

Have other comments on internalized misogyny? Want to share your own experience? Comment below!