What That One Thing In Your Closet Says About You
Here we go again, your weekly horoscope but make it clothes. If you find yourself unable to relate to any of these looks, I’d say congratulations. Although I seem to be quite the hater, I actually do own a majority of these items. I am making just as much fun of myself as I am of you.
Cowgirl Shirt
You love themed parties but your effort comes in the form of a quick 2-day Amazon delivery charged to daddy’s credit card. It was cool a few months ago but now when you show up to the function and are surprisingly unplanned twinning with the whole squad, it starts to get a little old. You obviously pair this with the sparkly pink cowboy hat but trade out cowboy boots for a sleek, brown chelsea boot. Same difference.
2. Bass Pro Shops Hat
No one really understands why you own this hat, even you. One time a girl complimented it at a party and then proceeded to ask you if you fish. To this you scoffed. Of course you don’t fish. Now you hate her. You are fascinated but confused by pop culture and unfortunately you seamlessly traded out f boys in high school for frat boys in college. Being played is just kind of your thing.
3. White Air Force One’s
You typically find yourself doing basically all the same other things as other people. You follow the trends – not religiously, but when it makes sense. Sometimes you even try to hold out on a trend but give in at the end anyways because you just want it. For example, you just bought your first scrunchy three months ago. You just started watching You when season three came out. There’s something so satisfying about seeing all the rage about something and then finally experiencing it months/years later like, oh this is why everyone is obsessed with Tik Tok. It’s either all in or way late but you’ll do it.
4. Aritzia Sweatsuit
You’re comfy, but also classy. “Lounging around” to you means sitting on the window sill sipping tea while reading a book. Netflix? Never heard of her. You happen to also be wearing a full face of makeup. The sweatsuit doubles as the perfect uniform for your 8:00am class and will allow you to do normal things after, like going to Trader Joes without looking like a slob who woke up 5 minutes before class earlier that morning. Let’s face it, you’re busy.
5. The Recreational Blazer
You haven’t scored that big internship yet but your hopes are high. So high that you already bought a blazer and for now, you might as well just wear it to the bar. Well, also because it's oversized and lime green and actually wouldn’t fit the outfit requirements for your future internship anyways. But your mom let you charge it to her account because of the internship thing. Wow, a resourceful queen.
6. Necklace with Your Initials
You have this for the fun occasions when you blackout and someone needs to return you to your owner. Kind of like a medical bracelet, or a dog tag, or a collar. We might as well just put a microchip in you. You got this from your boyfriend who clearly thinks the creative route is oversaturated. But, if you ask him, he got you something unique. At least it didn’t have his initials?
7. The Cropped Puffy
You’re not scared of your tummy getting a little cold and you refuse to recognize that trendiness means paying more money for less fabric. Practicality never gets in your way and when your grandpa asks if you bought your jeans with the holes in them you just laugh and move on with your day! I envy your careless attitude. But if it's the Aritzia Super Puff then I so don't.
8. Side Fanny Pack
If you wear this more than once a week, you really do value the easy access point and security of the whole idea. If it only makes an appearance from your closet monthly at best, this is your big fashion statement of the year. You really think you're doing something with this one. Just like your big leather statement pants last week. You’re the most fashionable of your family and they either don’t understand why you haven’t debuted Vogue yet or they just make fun of you. Either way, I’m not impressed.
9. Platform Shoes
That extra height really makes the outfit doesn’t it? You are probably short or you simply prefer to be the tallest in the room. No matter your height, you make up for it by being the loudest in the room. People love being around you and your bubbly personality. Also, it’s not just one pair of platform shoes. You have the platform Docs, Converse, sandals, heels. It's a lifestyle.
10. Fucci Belt
You think that Walmart and Target are the same. Your friends describe you as stingy but you don’t really know why. You follow designer brands but do most of your shopping on Shein. You tend to subconsciously-pathologically lie and although your therapist has made you aware, it's not getting any better. I’m not saying shame on you for not being able to buy a real Gucci belt (I most definitely cannot) but come on, really?
